Fullmetal Horcrux
by terrapin01
Summary: When I ca't write well I write this. I call it a Weed Fic, not as intense as a Crack Fic, but it is sort of out there. I hope humor is the correct category, I'm not sure if anyone else will find any of it funny. Will have OCs
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter or Fullmetal Alchemist. Yet.

Welcome to _**FULLMETAL**_** HORCRUX!** I have been working on this for a while, on and off. Whenever I can't write a scene in one of my other two tics and get frustrated, this is what I write. Since I have no standards while writing this, it grows quickly. Basically, this should get more updates than any of my other works, so if you like my words and don't care about a carefully crafted plot, this is for you!**  
**

Chapter 1: Shopping

Edward was _not_ having a very pleasant evening. He and Mustang were playing a game of poker and after Mustang had incinerated the hidden cards up his sleeve, he was loosing badly. And the stakes...well...

"All right Fullmetal, how about this. You lose and you've got to transfigure Hawkeye's clothes into a miniskirt. WHILE I am present."

"Whaaaaaaaat?" Ed's jaw dropped. There was no way he would ever do that, sly bastard colonel probably was slipping his own cards up his sleeves to be that confident. "No way, colonel pervert, I am not doing that!" Mustang just smiled over his hand.

"Oh that's too bad then, I guess you'll be going back to school then?" sweat beaded on Ed's forehead. Roy could be bluffing, but he really didn't want to chance it. Still going back to school wouldn't let him accomplish anything. Then again he thought of what the Hawk might do to him and he shuddered.

"All I ever asked was that you let me and Al have a bit of time off! Whatever happened to Equivelent Exchange?" Mustang glared and Ed broke.

"All right dammit, you win." Ed muttered as he revealed two aces. The colonel started laughing and showed him a hand of a two and a four.

"I HATE YOU MORE THAN I HATE MILK, YOU KNOW THAT?"

* * *

Harry was awed by the wonders of Diagon Alley. Kids crowded around broomstick stores, there were strange instruments he failed to recognize and a wand store. However the best part of the wizarding world was, as soon as he brushed his hair out of his eyes someone had cried out.

"Is that Harry Potter?" Harry naturally had been startled at first, he usually got no attention. The exception to that was when he was let out of his room to serve the Dursely's at which point they paid the utmost attention to his failings. The man that approached him was rather well groomed, but didn't stand out among the other wizards and witches.

"Yes, I'm Harry Potter." He wondered what the man was so shocked about.

"My goodness it really is you! The boy who lived!" The man exclaimed shaking his hand.

"How do you know me again?" The man reeled back in shock

"You mean you don't know? Well I suppose it did happen at a rather young age, but wouldn't your parents have told you?" Just then McGonagall stepped in between the two. She turned to the man with a glare in her eyes.

"I am afraid young master Potter has materials to collect for school. If you would run along now, he must be prepared for his first year!" she berated the man. But when she turned back for Harry, he had disappeared.

The first thing that had caught Harry's attention was Gringott's Bank. He loved banks, the chained pens were his favorite part! He'd only been to a bank once. Somehow Dudley had managed to actually steal one. Harry tried to tell Petunia, but she told him to 'sod off'. Dudley subsequently smashed his face into the bottom of one of those fake potted plants and Harry argued that it wasn't really dirt, but his cousin continued.

He was disappointed to learn that this particular bank didn't actually have any pens at all. Just lots of feathers held by grumpy, wrinkly things. Hagrid had taken him here earlier, but he didn't remember much about the place except that he had mountains of gold in his vault. Harry wondered if he could buy himself a golden-chained pen. Or better yet a chained golden-pen. Or a golden-chained golden-pen that wrote in gold and came with gold paper and gold envelopes and gold stamps, which when you mailed them were taken away by a golden owl! He wondered if there was a spell for such a thing.

Naturally being the famous HP himself, although he wasn't quite sure why exactly he was famous, he remembered his vault number. He began to wander around down stairways trying to find his vault, all the while singing a little ditty worse than a cruciatous curse.

_Oh Vault 618!_

_I'm a gonna sweep you clean!_

_Gold in my hand,_

_Famous cross the land!_

_Name's HP and I'm the man!_

His _voice_ bounced through the caverns, replied by the tortured howls of beasts on the lower level. Harry continued to whistle as he approached his vault. He didn't really remember how it opened so he just shouted Open Sesame. It just so happened that the Potter Vault had just been retrofitted with Magicsoft OS, which says something about how the goblins felt about Harry's first visit. Stuffing his pockets with loot, he headed back up.

* * *

Ed was flabbergasted at the sights he was seeing. Magic? Where was the equivalent exchange? He didn't understand a bit of it, but he wouldn't have The Colonel be calling him out for the rest of his life. Still it wasn't so bad, there were a lot of things he could learn but the exchange rate between cenz and galleons was awful. Still the military did pay him well. He looked down at the top of the list. Robes. _Hmmmm..._ he puzzled. He wished Alphonse hadn't been busy with the cat orphanage to attend. Ed was absolutely awful at transmuting any clothing other than his patented red duster. Looking up and down the street a sign caught his eye, Mother Malkin's Robes for all Occasions. That sounded promising.

"Anybody home?" He called as he walked in the door. Not waiting for anyone to come to his aid he immediately pulled three robes down that were about his size and yanked a pair of gloves off of a rack.

"Excuse me, may I help you? Madam Malkin is off elsewhere right now..." As the girl approached him she looked at what he was carrying. "Hmm, those robes look like they may be a bit too large for you. How about something smaller."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN ATOMIC SHRIMP SO MICROSCOPIC THAT EVEN FLEAS CRACK ON ABOUT MY HEIGHT?" the poor lass crumpled backwards. "ARE YOU CALLING ME SO TINY THAT IT SHOULD BE PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO EXIST?"

"By what magick has such a commotion been created?" A young boy with far too blond hair, a dapper derby, a cool cravat and a posh pocketwatch stepped into the room. He was taken aback at the poor retail worker on the floor. "I do say my good sir, behave like a gentlemen or I shall challenge you to a duel for accosting this poor lady."

"And who are you?" Ed shouted back

"My name is Draco, son of Lucius and Narcissa. I am the heir to the House of Malfoy." The boy gave a quick bow, placing his derby across his chest. He then stood up and stared Ed right into the eyes. "I suggest you leave this place at once." It didn't help that Draco was a good deal taller than he was. He gathered up the clothes and decided to move on, muttering. He hated shopping, things always went wrong. Like that time Al had been arrested for running a brothel.

Stuffing the robes into his new ugly hat, at least he got the stuff for free. Next on his list were the magic books. So where could he find those?

"Hey you! You know where I can get the books for going to Hogwarts?" He'd grabbed a girl with bushy brown hair and stacks of books in her arms.

"Excuse me?"

"Books, y'know those things your carrying? Going to Hogwarts and I need em." Stupid girl couldn't communicate. She stammered for quite a while as Ed looked expectantly. Eventually she pointed back where he'd come from.

"Down the road at Flourish and Botts."

"Thanks. Buy yourself a hairpin or whatever it is girls do." He flipped her a sickle. Otherwise known as 29 knuts. Or 1/17 of a galleon. What raving imbecile came up with the exchange rate? All right down the street and there it was, just next to Malkin's Robes. As he entered the bookstore he took a deep breath in, until his nose registered the scent and he proceeded to hack out his lungs. What was that stench? Bookstores should smell like parchment and old books and new books, not like bat droppings. He sighed brow furrowing. Usually he would enjoy such a trip and have spent time reading all the books he could reach, but wizarding bookstores were worse than the gaming stores he took Al to. At least most of the geeks there understood not to wallow in pickled tongues and eyes of newt, even if they did occasionally forgo showering in favor of a 48-hour gaming session.

Fleeing the bookstore with all eight books in a stack under his arm he figured it would be best to transmute a cart of some sort. He slipped into a back alley and stole the metal from the piping of the building. At first he waited for the pedestrians to clear way for him, but grew tired of waiting and pushed them aside. Barreling down the street he arrived at Ollivander's Wands. He shuddered, sounded like Armstrong's sister, thankfully that was not the case.

"Hey old man! I need a wand for Hogwarts! What can you get me?"

"You should mind your elders, child. Are you sure you're old enough to be entering Hogwarts?" Old man Olly looked disdainfully upon him.

"WHO'S THE SIZE OF A 5 YEAR OLD SO MUCH THAT PEOPLE THINK THE MY AGE IS GOING DOWN INSTEAD OF UP YOU BASTARD?" Ed leaped up onto the counter, he had good legs. He snatched the coolest looking wand out from the glass cabinet. "I am taking this one and getting out of here you old coot!" He pelted the man with the price tags allotted amount and bolted.

* * *

To say Harry was having the time of his life was an understatement. So many people recognized him, or at least his scar. They all wanted to shake his hand, he was famous. And being famous was fantastic! He shook hands with every person, shocking them when he vigorously pumped their arms up and down, nearly ripping arms from sockets. He adored all the attention, he was given treats and gold and strangers gave him all sorts of advice. They all praised him about killing some He-Isn't-A-Name fellow, even though he didn't remember anything of the sort. Ah, well, they all hailed him as a hero and rightfully so!

After much praising, Harry managed to collect an entourage of other future students to carry all his new supplies. He tipped his porters generously, signing two or three of their books apiece. He was so famous they could become millionaires just by selling them. Not that they would of course, people simply could never have enough of his signature and they would be treasured like the divine inscriptions they were. Still it was not enough, but it seemed to be all he would get for now.

"How can I become a great wizard?" he asked his Grand Vizier, a boy by the name of Corey Niodus. He was Hogwarts-bound as well with brown hair slicked back and a handsome face, though not as handsome as his own. Corey wore a cloak and walked with confidence and was tall in stature, compared to Harry at least. They were both still 11.

"Well Potter-Baka, there is something that may interest you. It is known as the Philosopher's Stone, it is rumored to grant immortality and enhanced magical ability. Should you be able to locate this mythic artefact, you will doubtless become even greater than you are now." This was why Harry had picked Corey as his Grand Vizier. He was well read on the magical world Harry had been locked away from for so long. He was also wise in worldly and foreign manners, Corey informed him that "Baka" was a sundrix added to those of high status in Japan. Harry didn't know what a sundrix was, but Potter-Baka sounded too cool to pass up.

"Excellent idea Corey! Where do we start?"

"I'm afraid our best course of action is to wait. Hogwarts has one of the largest libraries on the continent, it will be our best bet to search the archives there." Corey paused for a moment raising a hand for the entourage to stop. A trio he sent out earlier returned heaving back the cauldron, telescope, vials and scales. Corey lifted an eyebrow.

"Those look like the standard model for scales. Potter-Baka requested the GottsX06."

"The GottsX06?" he whispered, he certainly didn't remember asking for such a thing.

"Special model, it will make you better at potions." Corey indeed served faithfully! Without even requesting his Grand Vizier searched for the best equipment. When he found the Philosophers Stone perhaps he should share it. Just a little, only Harry deserved to live forever, but it would be nice to have Corey last longer than normal. Speaking of which, his Grand Vizier put on quite the show, berating the offenders for grabbing the wrong equipment. He sent them packing to go back and collect the scales with a literal kick in the ass to prod them on.

Unfortunately Harry's good luck could not last forever. The old witch McGonagall noticed all the attention and headed towards his crowd. It was miraculous he'd been able to escape her notice this whole time, but such were the wonders one could work as Harry Potter.

"Potter, just what are you doing?"

"Just getting all of my supplies like you said." he retorted. The whole reason they'd gone to Diagon Ally was to get supplies. Harry was just enough of a prodigy to do it on his own.

"And what then is this retinue you have surrounded yourself with. It hardly seems necessary." Her voice was commanding and the children shook with fear, save Harry and Corey. Corey saw the intimidation as a challenge and stepped up to bat for his Lord.

"You are Minerva, am I correct?" It was intimidating, despite the fact he'd yet to undergo puberty and his voice was not able to shake the ground like an earthquake. It could be forgiven though. They were both still 11. "Head of house to Gryffindor and teacher of transfiguration."

"You are to address me as Professor McGonagall, boy. Give me your name, so that I can be sure to deduct points as soon as you are placed into Slytherin. You should be careful not to be expelled before your first day."

"And you should be careful not to treat Harry Potter with disrespect, he is the Boy-Who-Lived after all. I am Corey Niodus, aide to the Potter family." Harry could have sworn the wind picked up at that moment for the sole purpose of having his Vizier's cloak billow in the wind, its gold trim catching the sun. If there were enchanted capes that did such things, Harry wanted one. If he could get his glasses to glare ominously in the darkness that would be good too. He should look into it.

"I am his guardian at this moment in time. You are to let him come with me. If you do not I shall be sure to have you expelled from Hogwarts." Corey contemplated this for a moment, before whispering to Harry.

"If we are expelled we will be unable to research the Philosopher's Stone. I would gladly be expelled for your sake, but I feel as though I could be more help at Hogwarts." Harry needed more people like this! Everyone should be ready to sacrifice themselves for him, just as Corey was. It was what a great wizard like Harry deserved. However, now that he had his supplies there was no reason to not go.

"That's enough for now. You have served your purpose." With that, Harry collected the things that were his and departed, waving farewell to his fans. Not even McGonagall would dampen his greatness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Harry Potter or Fullmetal Alchemist, but if I did HPMOR would be canon.

Fullmetal Horcrux Chapter 2: On The Right Track

"This place is a mess!" Ed shouted above the chaos. There was no order anywhere, people were just running around like mad. And what in the world was up with a platform 9 3/4. What did that even mean? Wizards were ridiculous, alchemy made so much more sense. Observing the platform he saw a group of children and their parents run trolleys through a wall. "WHAAAAAAT?"

Of course, just passing through a wall wasn't surprising in and of itself, they were wizards. But they were doing it in plain sight! They all just ran through the wall in a train station FILLED WITH MUGGLES! Were people trying to get nonmagical peoples attention? It was so stupid! And the wall they passed trough wasn't even 3/4s of the way through, it was in the dead center of platform 8 and platform 9! STUPID WIZARDS!

Puffing steam out of his nose like a charging bull, Ed rushed the gate. There was a slight moment of disorientation before ending up in the train station on the other side of the wall. The future wizards were all bustling about, scrambling and struggling to get their stuff onto the train. They really lacked arm strength, Ed hauled his luggage balanced on one finger. Still he wasn't in a mood to mock the ninnies, so he loaded his stuff onto the train. Climbing aboard he settled into the first compartment he passed, he was lucky enough to get there early. He had a book on magical theory, or at least what passed for it at this Hogwarts place he was headed to. All it really talked about was to be sure to wave your wand in the right pattern and speak the words clearly there were no underlying principles like in alchemy.

"Stupid useless book." he growled, throwing it against the wall. Too bad Al wasn't here, the tin can was great for practicing his sleight of hand. Then the door opened, revealing the annoying Draco kid from before.

"I say, it is you! Would you allow me to sit in this car with you? I fear my luggage is rather heavy and I will be unable to carry it any farther." he spoke with his head held high, hand holding his hat. It was nice but Ed recognized it as against regulation.

"Hey punk, why do you get to wear a hat like that, huh? Its against the rules, you better take it off before I make you!" Ed shook the kid by the collar, Draco desperately trying to free himself. "How come you get to wear that stupid hat and I can't wear my awesome red duster? Why's that? What makes YOU so special?"

"Why I never! Such barbaric manners, you simply must learn to control yourself." Placing his hat back on his head, he spun on his heels and headed off haute-ly. Edward was glad the twerp was gone at last. He couldn't stand that snobby twit. He decided on practicing his alchemy, transmuting a glass chalice out of the window. It was incredibly ornate, and as that bastard Colonel commented 'It's a wonder how such a tactless and blunt kid can make something so detailed.' He hated how the Colonel was always talking down to him like he hadn't gone to school. Ed HAD though! He'd gone to school for two whole years! Why couldn't they harp on Al, he'd never been to school. Sure he'd learned statistics and read up on history books to make his campaigns more 'realistic' but still!

A load croak came from the window. Ed turned and saw a toad sitting where the glass used to be.

"What're you looking at, slimeball?" Narrowing his eyes at the creature, which looked back. Straight into his eyes, it delved with it's own yellow soulless orbs. Perspiring Ed tried turning away, but the beast held his gaze with some unknown force. It let out another croak...no not a croak, but the sound of the universe itself tearing and stretching. Edward fumbled backwards into the edge of the car. The monstrosity bounded forward with unnatural strength, landing at his feet. Its skin glistened the color of dead and rotting things, its eyes, THOSE EYES!

A chill went down his spine as the Eldritch Toad waddled forward. The trail of ooze it left twisted light and reality, as its abnormal tongue snaked out, catching a fly, a creature too fast for the human eye to comprehend. It drew closer and closer, until a timid round-faced boy with blond hair entered the cabin.

"Have you seen... oh Trevor! There you are!" Picking up the Eldritch Toad, he cradled it in his arms like it was a pet. "Thanks for finding him, name's Neville."

"No...No problem. I'm Ed. I'll see you later..." He stood on wobbly feet trying to usher out of the room. The Eldritch Harbinger wore a confused look on his face.

"I'll see you later?"

"Yeah sure, whatever."

* * *

Meanwhile in the adjacent cabin, Harry was sitting amidst a mountain of candy offerings. He shoveled chocolate frogs and the like down his gullet as his ever-so-loyal Grand Vizier oversaw the offerings.

"What do you mean you didn't bring Potter-Baka any offerings? Can he purchase a new wand with your affections?" Corey scoffed sending away two girls, apparently not deserving of his presence. The next visitor was a fancy looking boy, with incredibly blond hair wearing a stunning bowler hat. Harry held up a hand when Corey glanced over towards him.

"You!" Harry spoke, drawing himself to his full height "You, dressed this way! Undoubtedly you are famous, perhaps even fancy, but will you match my power? Here in this moment, I name you Rival! One such as myself should not let just any stupid-head challenge me, so I pick you!" His Grand Vizier clapped for his excellent speech.

"Why I never!" The boy began, "My name is Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius and Narcissa, heir to the House of Malfoy! Far too many times I have been accosted. As a gentleman, I shall not lose my temper, but I accept this feud. I shall defeat you and show you the error of your erroneous ways!" With that 'Draco' walked off. Harry looked over at Corey.

"So what does 'errinis' mean?"

"Erroneous. It means wrong."

"He thinks I'm wrong?!" How dare that stupid stupid-head call him wrong! He would show that blondie that he was the dumb one and that HP was the MAN, even if he was only 11.

The next visitor was a girl with curly hair and large teeth entered the cabin. She did not look altogether too amused with the shenanigans.

"Who are you and what are you doing?" Her voice carried the weight of a ton of bricks. "You can't just demand things from the other poor children on this train, you should be ashamed of yourselves!"

"Watch your tongue little miss, this is THE Harry Potter you are speaking to. Those children are merely paying their respects to the great Potter-baka." The girl stopped for a second. Harry thought she had a rather vacant expression. She stared dully before starting up again.

"Wait Potter-_Baka_? Doesn't that mean…"

"BEGONE, BE BANISHED YE BANSHEE!" Corey leaped to his feet and shoved the girl out of the cabin closing the door behind them, leaving Harry by himself. He wondered what his Grand Vizier was up to, probably trying to explain why he was so great. Corey probably left so he could eat chocolate frogs in peace, which is exactly what he did.

* * *

"...Idiot?" Hermione finished. She was incredibly confused at what was going on. At first she thought the two exploitative boys were idiots, but it appeared only one was. And that one was Harry Potter himself! A boy from the books, she couldn't believe he could be so callous and greedy!

"Pipe down, woman! Don't you want to get anywhere in life? Harry Potter is famous; doors near those such as him open with ease! Even if he is too dense t walk through them on his own accord." Hermione gaped. This gremlin was merely using Harry. Perhaps Potter wasn't even all bad and he was being poisoned by this fiend.

"You can't just use people like that!"

"See here," the boy ran a hand through his hair, looking much older "I'm Corey. I thought I needed to work my tail off to become the greatest wizard and accomplish my goals. Now, I have Harry! And he has someone who can count to ten without using their fingers. It's a symbiotic relationship. You…do know what symbiotic means, right?"

"I'm not stupid, of course I know what it means! And I'm not going to let you just use Harry; I'll protect him! I'll keep him out of your vile little schemes."

"So be it vixen, you may try. However you will find that Potter-Baka's mere presence will aid you in your endeavors. You will be using him, whether you wish to or not."

* * *

"So Harry, I've heard all about you from books. What do you think about the way wizards treat Squibs?"

"I dunno. I guess we should just leave them to do what they want an' stuff. They aren't really bothering us." Harry remarked, the girl (Her name was Hemmingway Grubby or something) looked pleased. He wondered how Corey got her to go from being mean to being nice so quickly.

"I think that's a good start, but don't you think that they're treated unfairly?" Harry had no idea what Hemhem was going on about. He'd ask Corey later.

* * *

Blasted wizards! How was he supposed to sleep? They were _repeatedly_ violating Equivalent Exchange with _really loud noises_. Now bending the laws of the universe was something Ed could let slip by, it was pretty cool that he wasn't actually limited by The EE anymore. But did those children have to be so damn loud?

After practicing alchemy, Edward moved on to reading about this "Magic". Unless wands were literally bottled chaos, he should be able to study it. The compartment was covered in books, mostly ones he'd pilfered, but a few he bought himself. With other people's money. Ed was Amestrian military, research was more important than a few children getting a perfect grade in class.

At the moment he was cross analyzing One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi with his own texts. He balked at the use of a mandrake in a potion to remedy petrifaction. A mandrake, as in the plant part of the nightshade family? He figured wizards were probably just poor at identification; there was no way that they'd survived drinking anticholinergenics as a cure. He'd need to teach them a thing or two.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** I clearly own both Harry Potter and FMA and published both works under pseudonyms. Then I write Fanfiction about my own stuff. The people you think made it are paid actors.

Fullmetal Horcrux Chapter 3: Hat Trick

Hogwarts loomed over a large lake, not actually all that impressive compared to the Armstrong Estate. Damn wizards couldn't even build a decent building out of nothing. Hell, Muscles could punch things into sculptures. Were they saying even without EE that they were stuck with a ratty castle? It may have gone with the theme of wizard, but it was hideous.

Ed shoveled his books into his trunk, a method of transporting objects he found strange. He felt like a pirate going off to bury some treasure. Automail lifting the load handily, he set it on his shoulder and moved quickly to get off the train. A guy that looked like a hairy Sig was herding all the first years.

"Awright then! Getchor stoff an stowit in da boats!" he boomed. Ed could see several of the smaller students rattle in the voice. Placing his items in a boat, he quickly and discreetly trimmed his trunk with glittering jewels and ostentatious ornaments so he could find it more easily. Sure he wasn't supposed to transmute gold, but those rules were for Amestris, this was Scotland. Kicking off his boat he hopped into a boat, with several pitiful looking wizardlings.

"Hello there, my name's Parvati, what's yours?" The more gregarious of the group spoke. At first glance she seemed Ishvalan, but she had dark hair and eyes. Also it was improbable an Ishvalan had found their way to using magic.

"Ed." He responded.

"Great! That's a nice name, nice to meet you! This is my sister Padma and she studies a lot! This is my friend Lavender! She's a good friend and fun to talk to!" A frown slowly grew on his face. Why were her words so inane?

"Hi." Padma said timidly, before Parvati started up again.

"Can you believe that we're all going to learn magic? It's going to be so exciting! I can't wait! Do you know what house you are going to be in…" _If I use human transmutation, I can either remove her mouth or die in the process. Really I don't think I have anything to lose…_

* * *

"Make way, make way peons, for the GREAT, for the MAGNIFICENT Harry Potter!" Hermione watched Corey with interest. He was such a charlatan, but Harry did seem to be having a good time. That poor boy, being manipulated for his fame would not likely lead to a very realistic worldview. Well then again, she had just learned about magic, so maybe reality wasn't all that realistic in the first place.

She watched as the first years pressed towards Harry's boat. The 'Grand Vizier' motioned for her to get in the boat with Harry, as he kept the children away. All of this attention would absolutely suffocate her! Hermione felt pity for poor Harry. There was a splash, as Corey bodily ejected a fan into the lake. So maybe Harry wouldn't be totally suffocated.

"So what's next then, Grand Vizier?"

"Well according to Hogwarts tradition, we will go to the main hall and be sorted into our houses."

"Hmm, what's the best house? I need to be in the best house, so that everyone knows that I am the best."

"Unfortunately, Potter-Baka, students do not get to choose their own house. It will be assigned to us by a magic hat."

"A magic hat? That hat belonged to Godric Gryffindor, one of the greatest wizards of all time!" Hermione couldn't believe the irreverence to the sorting hat it was…

"So it's super magical? Okay, I want it then." Harry blithely stated. Hermione just gaped. Corey grinned at her as if he had somehow demonstrated something, when all he had done was make her dislike him even more. Poor Harry.

* * *

Energy crackled in the air. For a thousand years and then some, Pharan'non'igur had time to become content with judging the futures of children in the magical institution known as Hogwarts. Not that anybody knew that was its name. After all, who would bother asking him its name? It was a hat now.

Still its senses from aeons ago let it pick up the feel of other magics. It could feel the presence of Alchemy, Spiritual Pressure and others in addition to the regular magic normally to be found at Hogwarts. It would surely be an interesting year, so it began the Sorting.

* * *

The hands that placed it upon their head did so unceremoniously.

_Ah, Edward Elric. So you are the one here who uses alchemy._

_Holy crap! You talk! I thought it, or well you, were just a randomly assigning students to houses! You can think! _It was slightly amused that the boy was so surprised. Rather cynical, Hufflepuff was most definitely not the place for him. Of course Edward's next statement was even more surprising. _How are you bound to this hat? _Why_ are you bound to the hat? Shit, I hope I'm not scratching your seal._

_Calm down. Alchemy uses a different manner to bind souls than magic. _This Elric was young, yet he had been through much.

_So is there any way to get you out of there? I'm sure I could whip something up… _It was unsure how to respond. This was perhaps the one individual who could pull off releasing the binding without catastrophic damage. This was perhaps the one chance it had to be released. This would perhaps be the one way to fulfill his oath to Godric.

_My brother used to be bound to a suit of armor, but it began to deteriorate. You probably want to get out of there quickly. Then again, you've lasted a thousand years or so according to the books. There's got to be something protecting your seal._

_The Aevum Binding. Rodan._ That would be enough. The boy was smart.

_Wait, what?_

"RAVENCLAW!"

* * *

The hands that placed it upon their head did so reverently.

_Hmm, Hermione Granger…I am thinking Ravenclaw for you._

_So long as Harry is there. I need to save him from Corey's influence! _

_Then again _that_ statement sounds like a Gryffindor. Or even Hufflepuff. Still I cannot say where Harry Potter will go before judging him. _The girl was thinking frantically. It seemed as though she was very distractedby the deal with Potter and Niodus, though its perception of it was quite colored through her own thoughts. Truthfully, Ravenclaw would likely be better for her health but Godric wanted the students to be able to have some influence over their lives.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

* * *

The hands that placed it upon their head did so elegantly.

_Good evening, Sir Malfoy._

_Good evening, Sorting Hat._

_I must say, you are every bit the gentleman your father was._

_I do strive to be. Now I do not believe my sorting will be all to difficult on your part._

_Of course not. You belong to the regal house of…._

"SLYTHERIN!"

* * *

The hands that placed it upon their head did so deftly, like a stage magician.

_Oh my. _It felt a mental grin from its wearer.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"YOU!" Corey exclaimed, going pale and blustering like an old man. That should set his plans back.

* * *

The hands that placed it upon their head did so greedily.

_So, it is Harry Potter's turn now is it?_

_Yeah, that's me! The famous HP! Are you powerful? Do I get to keep you? _It was a good thing that it had sorted Hermione into Gryffindor, it could at least make a case for that Potter belonged in Gryffindor. Hopefully the girl could steer him right and Niodus would keep his distance. Hahaha.

Elric had better get it out of this blasted hat, pronto.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

* * *

At the Gryffindor table there was a great deal of cheering as Harry Potter approached. He bowed to either side, as though he had just finished some grand performance.

"Thank you! Thank you, Grippingdoor!" Shooing people, he herded them away from the spot where he was going to sit. Hermione joined at his side.

"You know Harry maybe you should, umm, do something to be, uh, more famous?" Maybe by getting him to do something to do something actually praiseworthy he would learn and develop as a person. Or at least people would have a reason to praise him. It was going to take a while to cure potter of his fame.

* * *

At the Ravenclaw table, there was some cheering from some of the more enthusiastic students. For the most part, many were not paying attention and reading. At least these wizards looked somewhat tolerable to Ed. He strode across to the oldest looking students with their heads in books and made a hole for himself.

"So what do you guys know about the Aevum Binding?"

"Who are you, kid?"

"WHO'S SO SMALL THAT PEOPLE THINK THE REASON I DON'T READ A NEWSPAPER IS BECAUSE IT'S BIGGER THAN ME AND WHEN I HOLD IT I SHRINK COMPARED TO ITS SIZE?" Ed grabbed the larger student by the robes. "I ASKED YOU A QUESTION."

"Okay, calm down. But I've never heard of anything called The Aevum Binding. Sounds rather obscure, you'll probably need to do some reading. Then again you're Ravenclaw, so I doubt that will bother you." He stuck out a hand, and Ed moved an arm from neck to shake.

"Yeah, whatever."

* * *

At the Slytherin table there was polite clapping. Wine glasses were raised to Malfoy in toast before they sat down to eat. Crabbe sat down next to him with a clipboard and pen.

"Sir Malfoy, your first day of classes is like to take up more time than regularly allotted for the rest of the year. Along with moving your belongings into the rooms, there won't be much time for your scheduled appointment with Snape as Sir Malfoy the senior desires."

"Please Crabbe, call me Mr. Draco. It would not do to be accidentally confused with my father."

* * *

At the Hufflepuff table there was silence. It was well known that they existed to fill out numbers and take extras. Being dumped with someone with a real live personality was something brand new to them.

"Welcome to Hogwarts?" A boy named Justin ventured.

"This is madness."

"Welcome to Hogwarts."


End file.
